The Crazy Way Facebook Is Killing Your Pet

This is alarming, but when I read what she had to say down below the ellipses and fade….


My jaw dropped….


Come on, Facebook, get your act together! Do you know that I clicked an article last night ready to find out the SUPER weird reason why Meg Ryan isn’t getting cast anymore? Meg Ryan. Who doesn’t love Meg Ryan? She was in every movie when I was a teenager. And at the end of the article I wasn’t any closer to knowing why no one is casting her and there was NO super weird reason anywhere in the article! There was a suggestion that maybe it was because she cheated on her husband thus making her unmarketable to a rom-com audience or that maybe she retired. Or that she had slightly too much plastic surgery.

I’m sick of it!!!! Facebook knows I’ll click on these stupid articles and so it feeds me more. It’s as if I’ve started to drink straight of the Slurpee machine and the lever is jammed. I can’t stop even if I want to because more just comes out! Self control?!?! Who needs it! I need to know what Jane Goodall thinks about the Cincinnati gorilla thing.

Which brings me to my next point. Of course I need to know what Jane Goodall thinks, because she is the LAST PERSON ON EARTH to go on Facebook about it. I have these conversations with real live people in real face to face interactions (remember those?) where they talk about how sick they are of seeing people post and fight about that. And yet, I know who supports gorilla rights, who would jump in the habitat no matter who held them back, who is anti-zoo, who supports the poor misunderstood mother and the heartbroken zookeepers,  and who supports old school parenting. Not only that, those things that seem to apply to the issue at hand, but I know who supports the pro-life movement, the Black Lives Matter movement, who is pushing for awareness of autism, sex trafficking, anti-drugs, anti-street violence, transgender and women’s rights in light of how sad it is that we care more about one gorilla than the thousands, millions, billions, impacted by those issues. But I already knew which of my friends supported what, now I just know also that I should feel bad about being sad about a gorilla and possibly bad if I thought the situation was preventable. If we’re all sick of these posts, then why are we still posting and reading them?

I will say, that at least it gave Facebook a week long break from the constant posting about Trump/Clinton/Sanders. Do we not know how evil Trump is, how big a liar Hillary is and how Bernie is going to save us all with his ultra-love? And how many of you are voting based on something you read in a Facebook post? No one will claim that. They will all claim deep serious research while feeding right into the emotional monster that is social media. Vote for Trump! Kill a puppy and all your ideals! Vote for Hillary, or lose your right to say you’re a woman or a serious minded political person! Vote for Bernie! You’re not a socialist, you’re just more caring than anyone else! Post your opinion or reply to someone else’s and then stomp off to the break room to refill your coffee mug and complain to your coworkers that people post to much political nonsense on Facebook.

Also, can Facebook not pull together and set up Facebook mall where there is a tab so if you want to buy stuff you can go peruse the awesome things our friends are selling. That tab could be right above the arcade where we can go and click to refill the lives of all our friends who have to wait 24 more minutes for another Candy Crush Life? Which will be right above the tab for Facebook Gym and Facebook Cafeteria? I want skinny-spiration and also recipes for how to make the world best cobbler cake using soda, cream, brown sugar, oreos, cherry gel, bacon, Nutella and Muselix, but when I scroll from one to the next in my feed it makes me feel kinda hopeless.

Facebook used to be like a great Thanksgiving family dinner. All of us gathered together laughing and enjoying each other’s company with occasional nonsense from that one crazy uncle, but now it’s like we’ve all taken a page from crazy uncle’s book, lost our sense of social decency and are sitting at the table screaming about what we care most about with our fingers in our ears so that none of us actually hear the other or the one person left who’s just sitting there asking for someone to please pass the salt.

Can we not do better than this? Can we not make Facebook great again? I’ll try if you will. I’ll post positive things. I’ll like your positive things, your side by side pictures of how big your kid has grown in an year and pics of your toes in the ocean. I will click sad face when you post about how there’s an evil bunny attacking your pintrest worthy garden. I will heart when you get a new job or post something super inspirational. I will angry face that someone didn’t take the coffee grounds out of the machine and so there is mold in the pot on this yucky Monday morning. I will if you will.

Please, just no more gorilla posts.

Oh, and in case someone fells that I’m Meg Ryanning this article, let me tell you the CRAZY way FB is killing your pet. There was this guy in Nevada who was so sucked in by facebook that he didn’t feed his pets for like weeks and they all died. Also he was an animal hoarder. Also they were all exotic or woodland creatures that he’d obtained illegally and was housing in a secret underground zoo which was totally wrong wrong wrong. This is true because you read it on Facebook. Totally legit.


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